bonniesquires

Today is a new day

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 16:55:48 GMT

Well, as with every journal I have ever attempted in my life I have neglected this in my time of hurry... I am a grad student here in wisconsin now and there is a huge snow storm today. I didn't know you could get lightning and snow at the same time. Guess so. You think I would know that being a scientist, though at times I don't feel like I am really that good at it. Realistically I don't study the weather, though I would probably make more money if I did. But then I wouldn't really be helping people... not that I am just yet now. Ah well...I am sleepy and must get back to work.

Oh, the days

Mon, 19 Jul 2004 20:03:57 GMT

Today is a very melancholy day. I feel like hell. I have lost so much and I just can't find it right now in me. Where is my inspiration, why did everything turn out like this. I just wish I weren't here, I would rather be anywhere. I hate him, I really truly hate him...the pain and lack of caring just sucks. I wish I had never met him, if i die with any regrets it will be that I took a chance on him. He took so much away from me and my world...made everything different and so much worse. And now, I sit here, wondering where did i go, how do I find me I am so lost so very lost to myself which is so scary...I hate him I have never hated anyone before, but I have never met anyone who could so callously turn their back on someone and make them feel so worthless, without even batting an eye. I feel so abused, lied to, and broken...He is the most self-centered vile creature, next time I will listen to Maya Angelou, "When people show you who they really truly are, believe them...the first time." I should have known from his total lack of respect for anyone that wasn't just like him, as well as those who were just like him...He has no care for those around them, no real care...it is only him in this world, how he treats others is of no consequence. Go to hell!

Onward and upward

Thu, 01 Jul 2004 20:57:50 GMT

Wow, today is filled with to-do's. I returned from Portland yesterday, on a quick jaunt to check out my stuff in storage. It was literally like going to see a mystery box prize. I left for Korea over two years ago and haven't seen my stuff since. I almost forgot I had stuff. It was cool to recall all the past and think about the future and where it will take me. Imagining all my stuff in my new apartment is pretty cool. I left everything there though, too much work to take it out all right now, plus I lived without it all for 2 plus years I am sure a month and a half wont hurt it.

Don't really know where to begin. Met up with Matt, Eddie, and Mike in Portland...Hadn't seen them all in a while. I have been reading this great book called codependency no more, which just rocks. I am definitely starting to feel better about my situation and look toward the future a bit more. I have been planning my graduate courses trying to figure out what my minor will be, YEAH MINOR...who the hell knew that you have to have a minor in grad school...I am thinking it will either be kite surfing or nuclear engineering....can't figure out which yet :) The allure of water sports is quite high considering how much other work I will be doing.

While registering for classes though panic is starting to settle in. This is gonna be a lot of F-ing work!!!! I am in the process of calling and talking to as many people as I can about graduate school. No one in my family has ever gone before...feels a bit like being Lisa Simpson...I have no knowledge of such matters and am trying to figure out exactly what I have to do...and the more I learn the scarier it gets. Just when I thought the GRE was the last standardized test I would have to take, Blammo! Right hook to the face...Nope Gotta pass a thing called a qualifier...a what? Oh a qualifier, ya know something that "tests" you basic knowledge...don't pass...no degree sorry. "oh ok, well have long do I have to prepare for this baby?" Smack! Uppercut to the chin....she's lookin a little whoosy and starry eyed....Oh you get three whole chances, must pass before the beginning of the fourth semester...who the fuck invented that terminology anyway? "Oh well that must be the last one right? Please god? have mercy on my soul. PLEASE!" NOPE! Headlock, and repeated jabs....In fact there is something called a preliminary exam, dissertation, oh and this minor matter of a MINOR! TKO! I am down for the count, can't breathe, waiving my fists in the air ike maybe there is a slight chance I'll hit something while I am out trying to crawl my way out of this waking nightmare. Anyhow,

I am in the process of training now. I gotta a test to take and damn it if I go out it won't be without a fight. the jujitzu of physics. aquiring the skills to be a superhero, preparing for the looming test that will ultimately determine my future as a physicist hero or villian. The one that will send me flying to my phd or crawling back to the laboratory to work out the angst of the could be's lingering in the back of my mind until I am the next arch enemy of spider man. Ok I admit, slightly over drammatic. I could be the evil Dr. Bonita, trying to take over the world that let me down so harshly.. well I guess only time will tell. But for now back to work!

Another Day In this Crazy World

Wed, 09 Jun 2004 07:21:51 GMT

Well, damn it, the "l" key isn't working...that is gonna be a real pain in my ass. Anyhow, I haven't written in a few days... not that anyone is really interested in what I have to say, hell I am not even all that interested. But therapeutic none-the-less. Fucking key!!! Went to Seattle this weekend with a couple of old friends. I have been goin through some ups and downs lately trying to get myself focused. I had a good time in Seattle, but difficult to really enjoy it without any money. Still searching for summer employment..read an article in the newspaper that basically says if you live here ur srewed and have no real chance in hell of finding a job, fabulous.. At least I am not the only poor mo-fo this summer. It's tough though. I spent the past two years in Korea and don't really know anyone out here, I just want to find work out of sheer boredom and lack of company. I am leaving in a couple of months, so it makes it a bit more difficult to find a groove over here. Doesn't really help that after the past year with J. i have literally lost sight of who and what I am...after that experience I am almost ready to start playin for the other team. But life continues on and every day feels like another day in this crazy world, like everything in this life...this too shall pass. keep on, i don't know doin whatever i do that justifies my existence here.

Long Day

Fri, 04 Jun 2004 05:17:41 GMT

Quite the day. I woke up early for the 1st time in months. I am on a mission to find work for the summer, except nobody will hire me. It is really starting to piss me off. I am starting grad school in the fall and only need summer, temp employment..NOTHIN! I hate this town! It sucks I have spent the last what 8years as far away from here as possible, literally just got back from korea. My family is here, they are all crazy, but they aren't even the bad part. Anyhow, I should be studying, it's been a couple of years since I finished my undergrad... really, is it that hard to give a girl a job... I decided I wasn't taken any more shit, I demanded to speak to the managers, but nothin... I don't even care so much about the money damn it, I am a social person and need to meet some worth while people in this god-forsaken town. Plus I admit my pride is taking a bit of a hit. I am intelligent, fun, and easy goin... I am damn sure I didn't go into debt to get my stinkin degree, unable to be employed at a freakin movie theater!! Frustrating! Oh well, back to the books... maybe if a get enough degrees I will find a job!!!!

tired, but lighter

Thu, 03 Jun 2004 07:20:29 GMT

Today was one of those days that start out slow and quietly move up to being a needed exasperation of time. I am still in the process of putting myself back together, but for the first time in a long time i feel strength. not strong mind you, but strength, its there inside of me and I believe it... who knew that i would ever be talking this way.. prided by what strength I thought I inherently possessed, but challenged in such a new way, i had never lost it before and so when it went missing i didn't have the vaguest idea where to look. Everyone one else seems to know where it is, at least they try to tell you where it was for them, but it must be different for everyone, or maybe you have to stumble across it on your own in order to believe that it is there, never-the-less 2day i remembered that i have it, today i stopped fearing that it was lost forever never to be found again in the caverns of my analytical mind, today i believe that in time i will find it all and so much more. I don't even care when, im not afraid anymore...good night world float.

2day

Wed, 02 Jun 2004 10:15:26 GMT

Not much really happened 2day. have been in a daze lately...lost myself somewhere out there and can't find me just yet. I read somewhere that knowing your life will be different is at least something... even if you don't know how. I am not sure exactly how all this will turn out, but perhaps I will keep a cyber journal...not too dedicated to the paper thing. well cant get too in depth on my first visit plus I am tired...its late good night cyber world...perhaps you have the key to finding what i don't understand...